The thinks you can think up if only you try

I am of the view that you definitely do learn something new every day.

This week I’ve learnt a heap of stuff about spline, priming pumps, giggling teenagers, dorito eating goats, idiot pop stars and embarrassing politicians. But for all that, the things I have mostly learnt are related to my body and what I can do to look younger and fresher if I use a particular range of cosmetics. 

I just have to share:

1. Eye mites.

I have eye mites- everyone does! I should never use waterproof mascara as I cannot cleanse my face properly and the eye mites will just continue to live on in my eyelashes causing me problems. For the same reason, I should change my mascara every three months as the eye mites take up residence in  the tube and I just wipe them back on every time I use it. 

And all this time I thought my eye problems were caused by hay fever.

2. My skin has friction.

Now I don’t know how it gets its friction as my understanding of the term is that it is the force produced when two things rub against each other. So my guess is it must come from the eye mites falling off my eyelashes and skating around my face. But I can fix it by using primer -  not the stuff you put on your walls before painting, but the stuff Napoleon Purdis says is a crime not to use.

3. I can buy a product which is 10 products in one, one of which is a mattifier . 

Is that the same as permeate free?

4. I should take collagen caps which gives me collagen from the inside out.

It puffs up your skin and blows out the wrinkles - sort of like injecting silicon into a sponge so it oozes out and fills up the holes and wrinkles. I can feel it doing me good already!

5. My skin has muscle memory.

Does that work like brain memory?

6. I need exposure to  vitasphere molecules.

I had NEVER heard of vitasphere molecules so I Googled them. The only sites that mention them are for one particular cosmetic company, but it’s described so nicely:

Vitasphere Technology helps to deliver antioxidants, vitamin A, C and E to the cellular layers of the skin. As these tiny time-release capsules come in contact with your baby skin cells they lock onto the cell. 

If the cell is thirsty the molecule will start releasing vitamins, oil & water to your cell until it if full.  Think of it like a little sprinkler nourishing your skin cells – they release oil or water depending on your skin’s requirement at any given time.

Ah ha…so it’s a sprinkler system that nurtures my baby cells. I wonder how they have been surviving for the past 60+ years? It’s a wonder that my skin didn’t soak up the entire swimming pool contents every time I jumped in.

7. I have glue on my skin

Well, obviously, because if I use a particular cleanser it will dissolve the glue that holds my dead skin to my face and I will be able to scrape it away in a white visible layer.

I wonder if it works with egg?

8. My skin ages 7 years each time I sleep with my make-up on.

That makes my skin approximately 163,520 years old. I think I look pretty good for my age!

9. I need optilight technology.

Funny, again Dr Google only finds me references that lead to one cosmetic company. But if I use it I will not have glowing skin when I have my photograph taken as optilight will absorb the excess lighting and make me even more beautiful.

10. Bacne
That’s back acne  in case you haven’t heard of it before. It’s the stuff you get when you wash your hair and the animal fats and fillers from ‘other’ shampoos run down your back and create a layer of acne forming matter.  We’ve all got it, it’s just that you can’t screw your head around far enough to see it, so better switch to this better stuff today.

I’m reminded of Doctor Seuss (real name Theodor Geisel- there’s another thing I have learnt this week):

Oh the thinks you can think up if only you try!