Straightforward, simple, fair.

I’d like to have a dollar for every staff day that government departments, businesses and corporations have devoted to arriving at a mission statement, a set of core values, or a punchy statement that tells the world what they are all about.

The end product is often aspirational and inspirational in thought, and apparitional and aberrational in practice.  

Everyone matters is a case in point. 

I thought  straightforward. simple. fair.  was pretty good - to the point, clear, pared away capitals suggesting the business  did not stand on ceremony, convention or red tape.

Well, wasn’t I mistaken? 

I held an account with this particular business up until January of 2011. I hadn’t heard from them since I closed it. That is until 10 days ago when I received a very bulky letter in which they indicated they had underpaid me by $30.76.  The letter outlined the process by which I could remedy the situation, and the appropriate forms to use.

Here is my response. 

Dear  xxxxx

I have to think the letter I recently received from you is a joke. 

Are you seriously informing me that:

·         you have opened a new account for me – something I cannot do without providing 100 points of ID, and that you have deposited the underpaid amount you owe me into this account?

·         I have to fill in a four page application form to close the account and access my funds?

·           I need to get documentary and verified proof of my identity up to a total of 100 points in order to close the account?

·         I am required to do all this (and so are you) for an amount of $30.76?

·         If I fail to act by October 31 I will be charged administration fees on the account?

Is this bureaucracy gone mad?

Surely you could simply send me a cheque, or ask for my bank deposit details (which you previously had anyway) so the amount could be directly re-credited.  And having opened an account for me – without my permission- you could equally now close it and save me all this hassle.

I will look for my cheque in the mail.

And what response did I get? 

A letter that simply says:

 Here is the application form (to close your account) as requested. 

Now I know every business has its own jargon, but I can’t for the life of me find anything in my original letter to them which asks for another copy of the form they sent in the first place. 

straightforward. simple. fair . I don’t think so.

I can see we are in for a lengthy period of correspondence.

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This week's art work.

Spartacus is off with her sister Brutus to the Raglan Gallery in Cooma for the Briscoe Exhibition http://raglangallery.org.au/

Spartacus. Acrylic on canvas 

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It’s been a football kinda week.

 On Friday 21 I took the car out for a toddle and arrived at ANZ stadium to see the Pies play the Swans. I should have known that a loss at the opponent’s home ground would lead me to want to poke out one of my eyes with a bodkin. I would then truly be the one eyed supporter my friends accuse me of.

Good thing my fellow Magpie lover and I had bought a stash of gin and tonic so we could slink off discretely to our room – above the victory hotel – and drown our sorrows.  Equally fortuitous was the fact that mobile service was intermittent so we had a good excuse to ignore calls from the ABC followers (Anyone But Collingwood). Regardless of their mighty persistence….if only the boys had been…but I am drifting off into daydream….

Monday was Brownlow day and despite his two weeks in-house suspension for being a naughty boy, I still held a faint hope that Swannie might do it two years in a row. He came close.

I love the red carpet bit where the footy wives and dates parade and tell us who has donated their gown, and the boys do likewise with their suits - which are all remarkably similar. 

Brynne Edelsten is my favourite, and this year’s ballooning tutu number was a stand out. You have to give her points for brazen sassiness. I might even have to put a reminder in to my telly so it pokes me when her reality show starts.

But I didn’t vote for her in my top three best dressed and I obviously got that wrong anyway as my free tickets to the grand final have not arrived yet.

The medal presentation had some interesting moments. I’m sure the table didn’t know that their conversation had been picked up when one ‘date’ who tried to straddle her footballer’s knee and  give him mouth to mouth resuscitation,  was told in very stern terms by the Captain’s wife  to: Get off  him. Interestingly, Miss slinky red dress was nowhere to be seen when the cameras panned the table the next time.

There were great video clips. I liked that Jaffa headed up the fans section. I liked the tag line we’ve seen for the finals: This is greatness – although in the universal scheme of things that’s probably something of an overstatement. …..And if you count the Pies form last Friday it was anything but great…..whoops...I digress again…… 

Back to my point.  Behind Jaffa’s head as the clip came to an end was loomed large: THIS IS 

GRATENESS.

Irony?  I ask myself .

Are they trying to say something about fans being grating?

Is this a go at the literacy level of Collingwood fans that my so called friends refer to continually during football season? 

Or, did someone just stuff up?

As the week went on I finally was able to breathe out again when Travis signed for the next five years with the knowledge that Mick would not whisk him away to the arch rivals Caaaaarlton, And I can continue to watch him throw hands-full of dirt each week - that's literally, not figuratively.

So, I’m now preparing for the grand final. This year I won’t have to sit on the edge of the seat, fear a heart attack, or listen to the abuse of the ABC supporters.  I will even get to hear Paul Kelly instead of the bat out of hell let loose previously by someone who obviously had bats in the belfry.

 And I won’t miss out on the barbeque because I am sobbing in to my tissue.

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This week's art work:

 The best I can do given I am posting early.

You have already seen the magpie and the swan. I have not got a picture of a hawk....so you will have to settle for a chook.... at least it's still in the bird family.

Spartacus. Acrylic on canvas

Don’t even think about buying me a bidet for my Birthday

I have the best hairdresser in the world. I walk in, he transforms me from frumpy grey-rooted granny to funky fashion goddess – well, I may be exaggerating.

 He asks:

 What we are doing today.

I respond:

Whatever you like. 

He knows I want to be able to see that my hair has been coloured and primped. On any visit I can come out with highlights/streaks/foils of anything from vibrant reds and purples to ginger or blonde.

You can tell me I’m too old for that stuff, but I say: Bah! Humbug! 

And the champagne that comes with the cutting and styling is much better than the crappy machine coffee that I used to get at the local shop down the road.  I lay back in the massage chair and drift away.  Gosssip costs me, but it’s worth it.

This is where I also get my bi-monthly dose of trash. I flick through the salon magazines looking at glamorous apparently famous people, their bouncing babies, bodacious beaus, tantalising toyboys, sizzling six packs, nauseating nips and tucks, botoxed face masks,  beestung  lips, bazookered breasts, booty blow outs and six foot handbags/manbags.

I know that nothing I read or see here is remotely true. It’s fantasy land in glitzy gowns set in glamorous gardens.

But today I found a rogue magazine that had sneaked in to the pile.  It has an article that takes the cake.

It’s headed The BEST present ever and I quote Sylvia Ross’ words:

Usually every mother’s day my children buy me stockings or pillows, but this year they surprised me totally. I came home and found that they had changed my toilet seat…..I simply press a button and I get a warm water wash and a warm air dry. Now my toileting is a time of luxury, it is the best mother’s day present I have every got.

If I started to tell you how I would rather my nether parts were warmed, this post would be x- rated.

It’s my Birthday this week and if anyone changes my toilet seat for one that washes and dries they can expect to be told to bugger off.

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This week's art works

These are details from a series of drawings related to a number of months in 2011.

If I did one for this month it would have the champagne bottles for celebrations and commiserations.

A Few Days in March

A Few Days In July

  The original drawings can be seen in full at:

http://www.thickerthanwater.com.au/index.php?option=com_zoo&task=category&category_id=3&Itemid=223&page=3